If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
me 2 months after i graduated
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
“What?”
– Jude