Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
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You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I’m confused about plants
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
doing your own taxes
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.