*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I put the h in mysterious.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”