If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol