Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.