I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
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Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.