If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Sunday
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.