If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I love wikipedia
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Quadruple digit IQ
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*