If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious