If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
You Might Also Like
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it