@randomnloveit: If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.
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@daemonic3: [gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! "Thanks" Anytime, pumpkin! "You're sweet" You're one in vermillion!
@Parker_Simpson: always good to put one of those Apple stickers that comes with ur iPhone on your car so thieves know which car to break in to.
@AlexRogaski: [On couch, notices it's 6pm] Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8. *Notices it's February* OH SHIT
@david8hughes: On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn't feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.