If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
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STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
That’s what I call a flat tire
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
How to draw a duck
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
guys I’m going home
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you