If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
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Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again