@gitson_shiggles: If people on Twitter found a horses' head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops.....
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@0point5twins: "I bumped into your wife yesterday" "Oh, where?" "You know the café opposite the S&M club?" "Yes" "Opposite that café"
@SarcasticAlly12: Dr: do you know why you gained weight? *Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele* Me: no, better run some tests
@TitansHomer: Him: Can you believe what's going on in Egypt? Me: Yeah...it's crazy...I gotta go. Bye. Me: *googles what's happening in Egypt?*
@CulturedRuffian: 1985: "I hope we'll have flying cars in the future!" 2017: "I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed."