@nealbrennan: If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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@MarlonBrandNO: [Date] (don't let her know you're an alien larva) Her: I wonder where he is? *I burst through her chest* Me: Did you order yet? I'm starved
@deardilettante: Him: why doesn't anyone want me? Me: I want you. Him: why doesn't anyone else want me?
@AnOrangeSNES: "Sir, is this gluten free?" The waiter nods happily "Great," I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, "I'm building a gluten fort!"