If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
You Might Also Like
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”