I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
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6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
TODAY
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
The Birdles
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol