If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
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When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Succinctly put.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book