If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
You Might Also Like
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
also my go-to takeaway order
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years