If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope