If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
mathematically impossible
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.