If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West