@DadBeard: If pizza places cold called people's homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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@Tw1tter_K1tten: One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like "Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"
@DontTouchMyWine: Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
@bobvulfov: WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty WAITER: what why ME: a duck killed my father