If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
The Joker was right
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer