If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
How do you like your Corgi?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
It’s a gift
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.