@unravelingfire: If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
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@ActuallyEmerson: Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
@DistractedMomma: Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can't leave messages now. That's the kind of genius I am.
@Sean_Burgundy_: My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me