If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.