If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Herpes is trending, good job people
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.