IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
your honor my client chooses dare
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.