@mikeleffingwell: IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT'S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
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@Scigglez: I'll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that's like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
@simoncholland: [Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
@drinksmcgee: Trojan’s next commercial should just be a guy saying “See?” while pointing at my kids when they’re fighting over a cookie.