if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
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Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Natty or not?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*