if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
You Might Also Like
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.