If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door