If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
A fake ID that makes you younger
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind