We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
You Might Also Like
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform