I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Home #decor warning.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed