@Stabby_smurf: If procrastinating were an Olympic sport, I would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.
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@GingerAtLaw: You'd think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
@_ElvishPresley_: [Obama giving Trump the White House tour] O: and here's the toaster, it tends to stick so don't be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
@bridger_w: When I see a "How am I driving?" sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
@TheRolo: [1st date] Her: I love quail Me: Omg me too! H: Love Cher M: Omg me too! H: Love men Me: Omg me too! H: Love Pepsi M: WTF is wrong with you?