@Stabby_smurf: If procrastinating were an Olympic sport, I would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.
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@girlontapas: I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth. So who's the hero now?
@CarolinaSong: Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head
@OfficeofSteve: Me: The dogs ears are so soft! Wife: I know! Me: I want to make a pillow out of them Wife: ..... Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies