@hamspamtymaam: If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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@Quartzjixler: I had professional respect for you but then you said "recognizance" when you meant 'reconnaissance.'
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.” Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
@WeissBrandon: Me: excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and it's clearly a peanut butter and jelly Wife: did you just call me "waitress"?
@IamEnidColeslaw: today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING