Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
*updates tinder bio*
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?