If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…