@TheAlexNevil: If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it's that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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@CulturedRuffian: 'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms
@iAmDelFreaky: Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire. So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
@SortaBad: 9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet 1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
@13spencer: Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Ruff Me: *pets dog* Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can't you moisturize?