@TheAlexNevil: If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it's that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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@primawesome: Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
@KyleMcDowell86: A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
@DepecheALAmode: No, No, people. It's okay. I can make racist jokes. One of my best friends is a racist.
@WheelTod: My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips