@TheAlexNevil: If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it's that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
@DomesticGoddss: Me: What's the suite number on that address? 8: It just says "Hashtag 301." Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
@jabbins: Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man
@VerifiedJayy: My gf said "tie me up and do what you want" so I duct taped her to the headboard and went to the bar