If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home