I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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i think both sides are to blame here
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know