If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG