Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
You Might Also Like
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”