[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
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Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Jupiter
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Bootstraps
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”