If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I think they could have phrased this better
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.