Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.