Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
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*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Life cycle of cat
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
favorite tropes as memes
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Hell yeah 👍
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this