If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Happy Caturday!
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
good for her
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”