Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.