@SuperApple8: If Ryan Gosling doesn't ask me to be his valentine, I'm moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.
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@Reverend_Scott: [1st day working at bank] BOSS: What are you doing?? ME: I gave that man a personal loan. BOSS: YOU'RE THE JANITOR
@koalaslament: the closest I've ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
@BuckyIsotope: I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks. *looks up and sees motivational poster on wall* Well this changes everything
@NottaBigDeal: I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn't want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.