5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.