@IamEveryDayPpl: If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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@InternetHippo: “When someone is mad at you, that’s THEIR problem” and other advice from my upcoming book, ‘Where Did All My Friends Go’
@david8hughes: God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
@SonoLibero_8: Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I'll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.