If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Liquor Store Parking
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
don’t we all
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.