@IamEveryDayPpl: If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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@AustinSommer: If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
@DaddyJew: Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
@andlikelaura: Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets. Thanos: I killed half the universe. Voldemort: I uhh...almost killed this one kid like 7 times. Everyone: Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.