If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Happens to everyone.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
yeah 😭
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.