@lovemydogduck: If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee
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@crunchenhancer: When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won't eat you. If that doesn't work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
@BradBroaddus: My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine's Day so I guess I'll stay home with the kids.
@dadamantium: Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know? Him: Yeah. Me: Want another juice box, bro? Him: Yeah. 3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.
@Reverend_Scott: [first date] "So, I heard you work at the circus." [shallows bread stick whole] Nope. "You sure about that?" [chewing on glass] Yup