@lovemydogduck: If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee
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@iwearaonesie: complaining about your wife's stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
@KindOfASmartass: I hate when you tell someone you're bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you're not quite that bored
@EndhooS: Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
@1CleverClogs: My diet plan is just watching my 400 pound coworker lick her lips and sweat as she describes her dinner from last night.