IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
excuse me
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese