If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
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