If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
yea so i messed up lol
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)